Obscurity Knocks

Earnest, empathetic, industrious, unpretentious, gay Virgo in Milwaukee with a great life, amazing friends, and a wonderful family.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

A conversation with Clarence Carter

A Conversation with Clarence Carter

C=Clarence Carter


C: When I start making love, I don't just make love, I be strokin'.

S: Um, OK, Clarence. That's quite a way to begin a conversation. Interesting.

C: That's what I be doin'. I be strokin'.

S: Right. Well, I must admit that I'm a bit confused about what you mean by strokin'. Exactly what is strokin'?

C: I stroke it to the east, and I stroke it to the west.

S: So you've got some east-west strokin' taking place.

C: I stroke it to the woman that I love the best. I be strokin'.

S: So you're a straight guy; we've got that established.

C: Let me ask you something.

S: All right.

C: What time of the day do you like to make love?

S: Well, I haven't made love much in recent years. I've been in a dry spell because I can't find a guy who wants to be my boyfriend. Let me tell you, Clarence, it's no fun. I'd really like to have a boyfriend. You know, a guy to settle down with. I'm not getting any younger. But to answer your question, I like to make love at almost any time of the day. If I had to pick a favorite time of the day, I guess I might pick after dinner when you've had a few drinks. For a Virgo like me, alcohol lowers my natural inhibitions.

C: Have you ever made love just before breakfast?

S: Yes, Clarence, I have. When you wake up in the morning, that tends to be a time when two gay guys are pretty horny.

C: Have you ever made love while you watched the late-late show?

S: Well yes, Clarence, I have. Even David Letterman can get boring sometimes.

C: Well, let me ask you this.

S: OK, but these questions are pretty personal.

C: Have you ever made love on a couch?

S: Yes, Clarence, I have. Making love in a couch is something that starts out being really good, but then it can get a bit difficult because most couches are pretty narrow. You tend to reach a point where you're better off moving the activities from the couch to a bed.

C: Well, let me ask you this.

S: OK, but some people would be embarrassed by these questions.

C: Have you ever made love on the back seat of a car?

S: No, that's one American right of passage I have not experienced. Do you think I should try it? It seems like it's rife for potential problems.

C: I remember one time I made love on the back seat of a car.

S: What happened?

C: And the police came and shined his light on me, and I said, "I'm strokin'. That's what I'm doin'. I be strokin."

S: On the one hand, I guess it was good that you made it very clear to the police officer what you were doing. On the other hand, I've heard that the police tend to frown upon this type of thing occurring in a parked car.

C: I stroke it to the east, and I stroke it to the west. I stroke it to the woman that I love the best.

S: Now it seems as if this line of conversation might antagonize the police officer. You should be respectful of a law enforcement official, especially since they have both a night stick and a gun.

C: I be strokin'.

S: It's becoming evident that you enjoy strokin'. And now I think I'm pretty clear about what you mean by strokin'. It's a synonym for sex, right?

C: Let me ask you something.

S: All right.

C: How long has it been since you made love?

S: That's really personal, Clarence.

C: Huh?

S: Well if you must know, Clarence, I last made love on December 29. But it wasn't full-blown strokin' if you get my drift.

C: Did you make love yesterday?

S: No, although that would have been nice.

C: Did you make love last week?

S: Unfortunately, no.

C: Did you make love last year?

S: Yes, I did. I did make love a couple of times in 2007, although not nearly as frequently as I would have liked.

C: Or maybe it might be that you're planning on making love tonight.

S: Well, I'd say that's highly unlikely. But if you have any ideas about where I could find a guy to make love with tonight, I'm all ears. Could you set me up with a handsome guy, Clarence?

C: But just remember.

S: I'm listening.

C: When you start making love, you make it hard, long, soft, short, and be strokin'.

S: Humm, I don't know much about straight people's sex, but how can it be hard, long, soft, and short all at the same time? I'm really confused now.

C: I be strokin'.

S: Yes, Clarence, we've established that you enjoy strokin'.

C: I stroke it to the east, and I stroke it to the west. I stroke it to the woman that I love the best. I be strokin.'

S: Yes, Clarence, we've established the east-west strokin', as well. I'm glad that you stroke it to the woman that you love the best. It sounds like you have a very healthy romantic life with her. That's nice.

C: Now when I start making love to my woman, I don't stop until I know she's sas-ified.

S: You're obviously proud of that fact, Clarence. Now, is there a difference between satisfied and sas-ified? I'm a bit unclear about that.

C: And I can always tell when she gets sas-ifed.

S: You can? Well, that puts you in a unique group among straight guys. How can you tell?

C: Because when she gets sas-ified, she start callin' my name.

S: She does?

C: She said, "Clarnce Carter, Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, ooooooooooh shit, Clarence Carter."

S: Well, there's no question that she knows your name. And I have to admit, it does sound like your woman was sas-ified on that particular occasion.

C: The other night I was strokin' my woman.

S: Why am I not surprised?

C: And it got so good to her, do you know what she told me?

S: No, I don't, but I'm sure you're going to tell me.

C: Let me tell you what she told me.

S: Must you? All right, go ahead.

C: She said, "Stroke it Clarence Carter, but don't stroke so fast."

S: Humm. I guess she prefers a slower speed.

C: "If my stuff ain't tight enough, you can stick it up my......Woo!"

S: Um, Clarence, do you think that your woman really wants you to be sharing that information with me?

C: I be strokin'. I be strokin'.

S: This conversation is starting to get repetitive.

C: I stroke it to the east, and I stroke it to the west. I stroke it to the woman that I love the best. I be strokin'. I be strokin'. Ha, ha ha, ha.

S: Clarence, you don't need to keep saying the same thing over and over.

C: I be strokin' Yeah!

S: Now I'm starting to tire of this conversation.

C: I be strokin'

S: Shocker.

C: I stroke it to the north, I stroke it to the south. I stroke it everywhere, I even stroke it with my......Woo!

S: OK, so what's the diference between strokin' it to the east and west as opposed to strokin' it to the north anad south? Help me understand the difference, Clarence.

C: I be strokin'.

S: Um, are you even listening to me anymore, Clarence?

C: Ha, ha ha.

S: I guess not. I have to go now.

C: I be strokin'...

S: Well, this certainly has been enlightening. Thanks, Clarence.


Growing up in suburban Milwaukee in the late 80s, the local band at that time was named Gerard. The name came from Greg Gerard, who was the leader and founding member. If you heard of someone going to a wedding where Gerard was the band at the reception, that was quite an event. Or if your high school could afford to book Gerard at your prom, you were at the fore of cool in Southeastern Wisconsin.

Keedy was the lead singer of Gerard, and she may have been the girlfriend and/or wife of Greg Gerard. Keedy went solo and released her debut (and only) album in 1991 entitled "Chase the Clouds." "Save Some Love" from Keedy's album reached number 15 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart in 1991. As a regular listener to the "Hot 102" radio station during those years, I heard "Save Some Love" countless times. It's a great pop song that I was glad to rediscover recently after all these years.

Keedy, where are you now?

Jennifer E and me at Kat's party

The portion of the evening where I was the most buzzed is well-documented in these photos. The combination of the Dom Perignon and Three Olives cherry vodka had me feeling pretty good. Good enough to give my phone number to this cute and nice gay gay who was at Kat's party. Predictably and unfortunately, he never called me.

More photos from Kat's party

1. Mark shares some juicy gossip with Barbie. I wish I knew what he was telling her, because it looks like it was some good info.

2. Andy and Kelly.

3. Kim and Ruben.

4. Me and Michelle.

Kat's New Year's Eve party

After finishing the Dom Perignon, we headed over to Kat's apartment for her New Year's Eve soiree. Some photos:
1. Kelly, Kat, and Michelle.
2. Me, Michelle, and John.
3. Ruben and Michelle.
4. John and Andy.
5. John and Dave H.

2 more Dom Perignon photos

Thanks, Jennifer E!

Dom Perignon

Jennifer E brought a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne to my condo on New Year's Eve. It was the first Dom experience for all of us, and it was great. The bottle came with a rather lengthy written explanation of the taste of this particular 1998 vintage. Ruben carefully read this explanation out loud, noting particularly that we were to expect a feeling of "weightlessness" soon after the first sip. So it was with joyful anticipation that we watched Jennifer E uncork the bottle and carefully divide it into six equal parts. I made sure to hold onto the kitchen counter when I took my first sip, lest the weightlessness overtake me. Believe it or not, there was a sensation of weightlessness, followed by warmth and bliss. It was fun to be able to share the Dom experience with John, Jennifer E, Ruben, Mark, and Michelle. I love that Jennifer E said that she was saving the bottle for a special occasion, but then figured that this was as special of an occasion as any. Thanks, Jen, for sharing this special treat with us and for making the night a special occasion. You're the best!

New Year's Eve

John, Jennifer E, Ruben, Mark, and Michelle came over to my condo on New Year's eve for Papa Murphy's pizza. Here are some photos from that. Be sure to notice Michelle's leg-warmers that Barbie knitted for her.

Fun at Jennifer E's party

1. Mark and Ruben with a mug with some kind of woodland fairy depicted on it.

2. Jennifer E and Ruben, both Geminis, with a Gemini perfume.

3. Me pointing at Jennifer E's "Trouble" perfume. When she wants to, Jennifer E can indeed be trouble. And she can be a Mynxxx, too. One of Jennifer E's signature sayings is, "I'm tellin' ya." The more I think about it, the more I appreciate the wisdom of this statement. "I'm tellin' ya" can be used in virtually any situation. It's also non-judgmental, yet still acknowledges what someone just said to you. Consider the following examples:

Statement: Michelle went to Target four times this week.

Response: I'm tellin' ya.

Statement: Andy works evenings so he has a convenient reason to avoid social events.

Response: I'm tellin' ya.

Statement: Ruben is recording for Hal Leonard again.

Response: I'm tellin' ya.

Statement: Sarah French is in Racine tonight.

Response: I'm tellin' ya.

Statement: Steve and Brad are obsessive-compulsive about cleaning.

Response: I'm tellin' ya.

Statement: Britney Spears had another breakdown.

Response: I'm tellin' ya.

You get the idea, "I'm tellin' ya" works in any situation. Try it, you'll like it.

4. Me, Mark, Jennifer E, and Ruben.

5. Sarah French massaging Mark's hair.

late 80s/early 90s fashion

A discussion of fashion during our high school years leads Chad, Ruben, John, and Mark to demonstrate their skills at peg-rolling their jeans.

Ruben shows his tatoo

Ruben shows his tatoo at Jennifer E's party.


Barbie, Mark, and Jennifer E contemplate Santa's message.

Sarah French's new bra

Barbie discovers Sarah French's new bra. BTW, neither one of them is a lesbian, although I suppose a lesbian could easily get excited by these pics.

Jennifer E's party

Jennifer E had a fun party at her house over the holidays. Here are some photos.
1. Jennifer E and me, both looking very apple-cheeked.
2. Jennifer E and Kim.
3. Sarah French and John M.
4. Chad, me, and John M.
5. Jennifer E and Astro Michelle.

34 years

My aunt Mary Ellen sent me this photo from my first Christmas in 1973. I would have been about three months old when the picture was taken. My mom said that the photographer insisted that I not have any clothes on, and she was skeptical of that. I guess it turned out all right; it definitely has an early 1970s look. I think that my mom, who was 26 at the time, looks incredibly beautiful with her long red hair. In the second photo, you can see what 34 years does to you.

catching up on blogging: Christmas

Here are a few photos from Christmas 2007.
1. Abby with a Snoopy stuffed animal I gave her.
2. Me, Dave, Sara, and Abby.
3. Abby wearing a bib that belonged to her dad.