A conversation with Clarence Carter

A Conversation with Clarence Carter

C=Clarence Carter

S=Steve

C: When I start making love, I don't just make love, I be strokin'.

S: Um, OK, Clarence. That's quite a way to begin a conversation. Interesting.

C: That's what I be doin'. I be strokin'.

S: Right. Well, I must admit that I'm a bit confused about what you mean by strokin'. Exactly what is strokin'?

C: I stroke it to the east, and I stroke it to the west.

S: So you've got some east-west strokin' taking place.

C: I stroke it to the woman that I love the best. I be strokin'.

S: So you're a straight guy; we've got that established.

C: Let me ask you something.

S: All right.

C: What time of the day do you like to make love?

S: Well, I haven't made love much in recent years. I've been in a dry spell because I can't find a guy who wants to be my boyfriend. Let me tell you, Clarence, it's no fun. I'd really like to have a boyfriend. You know, a guy to settle down with. I'm not getting any younger. But to answer your question, I like to make love at almost any time of the day. If I had to pick a favorite time of the day, I guess I might pick after dinner when you've had a few drinks. For a Virgo like me, alcohol lowers my natural inhibitions.

C: Have you ever made love just before breakfast?

S: Yes, Clarence, I have. When you wake up in the morning, that tends to be a time when two gay guys are pretty horny.

C: Have you ever made love while you watched the late-late show?

S: Well yes, Clarence, I have. Even David Letterman can get boring sometimes.

C: Well, let me ask you this.

S: OK, but these questions are pretty personal.

C: Have you ever made love on a couch?

S: Yes, Clarence, I have. Making love in a couch is something that starts out being really good, but then it can get a bit difficult because most couches are pretty narrow. You tend to reach a point where you're better off moving the activities from the couch to a bed.

C: Well, let me ask you this.

S: OK, but some people would be embarrassed by these questions.

C: Have you ever made love on the back seat of a car?

S: No, that's one American right of passage I have not experienced. Do you think I should try it? It seems like it's rife for potential problems.

C: I remember one time I made love on the back seat of a car.

S: What happened?

C: And the police came and shined his light on me, and I said, "I'm strokin'. That's what I'm doin'. I be strokin."

S: On the one hand, I guess it was good that you made it very clear to the police officer what you were doing. On the other hand, I've heard that the police tend to frown upon this type of thing occurring in a parked car.

C: I stroke it to the east, and I stroke it to the west. I stroke it to the woman that I love the best.

S: Now it seems as if this line of conversation might antagonize the police officer. You should be respectful of a law enforcement official, especially since they have both a night stick and a gun.

C: I be strokin'.

S: It's becoming evident that you enjoy strokin'. And now I think I'm pretty clear about what you mean by strokin'. It's a synonym for sex, right?

C: Let me ask you something.

S: All right.

C: How long has it been since you made love?

S: That's really personal, Clarence.

C: Huh?

S: Well if you must know, Clarence, I last made love on December 29. But it wasn't full-blown strokin' if you get my drift.

C: Did you make love yesterday?

S: No, although that would have been nice.

C: Did you make love last week?

S: Unfortunately, no.

C: Did you make love last year?

S: Yes, I did. I did make love a couple of times in 2007, although not nearly as frequently as I would have liked.

C: Or maybe it might be that you're planning on making love tonight.

S: Well, I'd say that's highly unlikely. But if you have any ideas about where I could find a guy to make love with tonight, I'm all ears. Could you set me up with a handsome guy, Clarence?

C: But just remember.

S: I'm listening.

C: When you start making love, you make it hard, long, soft, short, and be strokin'.

S: Humm, I don't know much about straight people's sex, but how can it be hard, long, soft, and short all at the same time? I'm really confused now.

C: I be strokin'.

S: Yes, Clarence, we've established that you enjoy strokin'.

C: I stroke it to the east, and I stroke it to the west. I stroke it to the woman that I love the best. I be strokin.'

S: Yes, Clarence, we've established the east-west strokin', as well. I'm glad that you stroke it to the woman that you love the best. It sounds like you have a very healthy romantic life with her. That's nice.

C: Now when I start making love to my woman, I don't stop until I know she's sas-ified.

S: You're obviously proud of that fact, Clarence. Now, is there a difference between satisfied and sas-ified? I'm a bit unclear about that.

C: And I can always tell when she gets sas-ifed.

S: You can? Well, that puts you in a unique group among straight guys. How can you tell?

C: Because when she gets sas-ified, she start callin' my name.

S: She does?

C: She said, "Clarnce Carter, Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter, ooooooooooh shit, Clarence Carter."

S: Well, there's no question that she knows your name. And I have to admit, it does sound like your woman was sas-ified on that particular occasion.

C: The other night I was strokin' my woman.

S: Why am I not surprised?

C: And it got so good to her, do you know what she told me?

S: No, I don't, but I'm sure you're going to tell me.

C: Let me tell you what she told me.

S: Must you? All right, go ahead.

C: She said, "Stroke it Clarence Carter, but don't stroke so fast."

S: Humm. I guess she prefers a slower speed.

C: "If my stuff ain't tight enough, you can stick it up my......Woo!"

S: Um, Clarence, do you think that your woman really wants you to be sharing that information with me?

C: I be strokin'. I be strokin'.

S: This conversation is starting to get repetitive.

C: I stroke it to the east, and I stroke it to the west. I stroke it to the woman that I love the best. I be strokin'. I be strokin'. Ha, ha ha, ha.

S: Clarence, you don't need to keep saying the same thing over and over.

C: I be strokin' Yeah!

S: Now I'm starting to tire of this conversation.

C: I be strokin'

S: Shocker.

C: I stroke it to the north, I stroke it to the south. I stroke it everywhere, I even stroke it with my......Woo!

S: OK, so what's the diference between strokin' it to the east and west as opposed to strokin' it to the north anad south? Help me understand the difference, Clarence.

C: I be strokin'.

S: Um, are you even listening to me anymore, Clarence?

C: Ha, ha ha.

S: I guess not. I have to go now.

C: I be strokin'...

S: Well, this certainly has been enlightening. Thanks, Clarence.